True Love

things that i like:
honey nut cheerios
sleeping in
buy one get one cigarettes
hanukkah
flavored coffee
kittens
chuck taylors
90's music
long nights at the theatre
deep conversations
first kisses
scarves
finding spare change in pants pockets
curly hair
going commando
bob dylan
artsy photographs
brian tenney
new discoveries
exploring
public emotional nakedness
picking up and moving whenever i get bored with my life
being infinite
thinking
drunken inspiration



things that i do not like:
generic post-it notes
cereal with those bran things that look like little twigs
parents who should really not be parents
stupid movies
republicans (i've really tried to be tolerant, but have accepted that i just can't do it. sorry to all those affected)
people who think they're artsy, but who are really just whiny bitches
ex-boyfriends
ex-girlfriends of ex-boyfriends
people who don't understand grammar
christmas
stomachaches
being told that i'm not a "real" jew
being underestimated
insultingly bad music
wal mart
anyone who believes that ugg boots have an acceptable place in society

So I' ve decided that when I'm Master of Everything Ever, I'm going to mandate that one evening of every week should be dedicated to drinking cheap boxed wine and bitching about things. And it shall be called W(h)ine Night.

And all shall be well in the world.

When I'm feeling like there's no love coming to me
And I have no love to give,
When I'm feeling separated from the world
And cut off from myself,
When I'm feeling annoyed by every little thing
Because I'm not getting what I want...
I'll remember that there is an infinite amount of love available to me. 
And I'll see it in you. 
I'll remember that I am complete within myself, 
So I'll never have to look to you to complete me. 
And most of all, I'll remember
That Everything I really need I already have, 
And whatever I don't have will come to me
When I am ready to receive it.

Words to live by, really. I love Will and Grace :-)

So pretty much, it's all over. I'm finished with all of my finals and it's goodbye to Gettysburg for me. For those who were unawares, I have been accepted to Temple and that's where I'll be in the fall. I'll miss my friends here- a LOT. I'll miss the professors who have guided me and laughed at me. I'll miss sitting on the roof of Schmucker, looking at the stars and discussing the intricacies of life over a water bottle of gin. I'll miss long nights at the Kline. I'll miss random team awesome adventures and drunken mishaps that we'll never forget. 

But I can only hope that I'll find, wherever I end up, that I am complete within myself, and that the love I've shared here might- just might- be around everywhere, if I just can allow myself to be open to it. 

I hate the ends of eras. But even more, I hate lack of personal growth. It's time to go, and it's time to learn and play and laugh and love. And it's time to do it in the big city . Well, after I do it in Westminster for three months...the break from responsibility and personal accountability will be nice. That, and seeing my cats and my George :-)

I took the wrong notebook to English today. Normally it would bother me to write my notes in the wrong book, then have to rip them out and insert them in their proper place. Luckily for me, I've stopped taking notes. I just doodle and make lists. Today's was a generic To-Do list. It included "pick up package from post office" (didn't happen. By the time I got done with class and crew, it was closed. My sack of hack will have to wait till tomorrow), "conquer the world," and "learn how to love." I even illustrated my list. Didn't help me to accomplish any of said tasks, but it DID eat up a good ten minutes of the class discussion I was trying VERY hard to ignore. 

My shrink and I talked about how I may just be the most stable member of my family. Just as she said, "I KNOW you're going to laugh at that," I snorted. And then I thought about it. And it's true. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like she feels bad for me and just says shit to make it seem like she's "empathizing," or something touchy-feely like that. Sometimes I wonder if she's right about...anything, really. But of course, that would require me to put faith in another human being...

I had crew. Got high off of paint fumes. Nothing out of the ordinary. Didn't do a damn thing at rehearsal, except test-run my coveralls. Yes. My coveralls. And rainboots. And gloves with no fingers. At the rate we're going, I feel like my name should be Uncle Sheldon the Child Molester. 

Went to Elena's thesis discussion group. Hopefully it was productive for her. I know I didn't say much, but I really did like the story, Lena!

I started my new job over the weekend. It's boring. It'll be okay though. Got to see George for a much-needed break from the holiday festivities (aka alcoholism and general bitchiness) that was occurring at my house. Some ANTM was watched, some conversation was had. Things might be on the up and up? Family-wise, things are shit. NOT looking forward to going back to that house for the summer in a mere...four weeks. 

I'm so antsy. I need to sleep at some point. But there's so much LIFE that's happening. 








You know how when you're dying, it doesn't mean you're dead? Not yet, anyway. Does that mean that when you're living, you're not alive? Yet?

1. I use them as a means to distract myself from whatever I'm ACTUALLY supposed to be doing ("whetever" here generally meaning the items listed).
2. College is like having a baby...if it's sleeping, you should be sleeping. Here meaning, if you're going to waste time anyway, you might as well be asleep, rather than making stupid lists.
3. I rarely ever refer back to them for any practical reason (such as grocery shopping), other than to marvel at my brilliant witticisms. 
4. I'm cold. I should be finding a sweatshirt instead of making a list about why I shouldn't make lists. 
5. Nowhere offers a list-making major. Eternal sadness. 
6. I feel like there's probably a Jewish law against it. 
7. I usually run out of list-worthy crap after about four bullets, so I start making up random shit to feel like I actually accomplished something (which, judging by my current condition, I clearly did not). 
8. I could (and probably SHOULD) be memorizing Jubilee lines. Or SOMEthing.
8. Let's face it. Lists are kinda gay. 



In other news, I'm KINDA bitter that high school guidance counselors still maintain the power to control my future and destroy my general well-being. So, to any Winters Mill High School faculty or staff who may be lurking, SEND OUT MY FUCKING TRANSCRIPT, YOU DOUCHE. That is all. 

Also, I have found my official favorite spot on campus. The second-floor practice rooms in Schmucker defenitely have windows that open right out onto a roof overhang. It's a good thinking/stargazing spot. My life is in dire need of more energized, star-gazing-type nights. 

Tomorrow's a big day for me. I'm finally starting to make all those hard decisions that will hopefully change things for the better. 

Friday I get to hang out with Georgia :-)

Saturday, I start at Ny&Co. 

Anyone want to make matzah ball soup?

God, I love my friends. Even when things are shit, they head-bob along to the House theme song, feed me kettlecorn and scones, make various racial slurs, and grace my life with the best band in the world (this week, anyway), which happens to be CAKE. Cha. If I've gotten nothing else out of college thus far, I've gotten music. Music and beer and laughs and amazing conversation. And certainly more than one drunken game of Apples to Apples. I'm pretty sure the aforementioned activities are what college is actually about, despite what they say. And even though my friends all laugh at me when I talk about things deeper than cigarettes and alcohol, and even though our bonds have been formed over pirates and painkillers...I love them. I love them madly :-D

Things That I Believe In:

1. sarcasm. .
2. humor. 
3. love. 
4. the power of music. 
5. peace. 
6. beauty. 
7. biology. 
8. evolution. 
9. individual humanity. 
10. words. 
11. my own strength. 
12. the healing power of ice cream. 
13. hatred. 
14. human emotion. 
15. ghosts. 
16. life. 
17. death. 
18. people 

...as much as I don't believe in myself, they still believe in me. The ones that matter, anyway.